I wrote this small story months ago and was told it was not at all funny. I just re-read it and well, I thought it was funny. What say you?
The Bible. Version 2.0: Includes deleted scenes from the Quran and other stuff.
One day, Yahweh decided he could do much better than creating specie in his image. Why not create an actual holy kid in the image? Yep. He’ll be just like his ol’ pop, said the Lord in heaven.
Yahweh went and searched around his chosen people and then he saw her. She had breasts like bee stings, a husband with erectile problems and most importantly, an ear like no other. He was in love. With that perfect immaculate little ear. He wanted to go unto her. To know her. To sew his seed inside her virginal auditory canal of love.
So, Yahweh floated around in a star struck daze until he found the Holy Ghost.
Yahweh: “I saw a creature unlike any other. I felt the stir that mortal men feel when they see a nude woman.”
Holy Ghost: “Check your chest, man! You lose a rib or something?”
Yahweh: “She will be my queen of queens, mother of my holy child. Oh that most immaculate ear.”
Holy Ghost: “Ear? You want to bang some chick’s ear?”
Yahweh: “It is an immaculate ear of virginity. Millennia from now, people will find images of this ear in toast and sell it on eBay.”
Holy Ghost: “Look, maybe you should go easy on the smiting for a while and see if your taste becomes any healthier.”
Yahweh: “No. I must have her. By the rising star in the north, I will have this maiden’s ear.”
Holy Ghost: “Ok. So…what you come to me for?”
Yahweh: “You must help me go unto her.”
Holy Ghost: “Huh? What? You want me to turn you into some kind of sexually transmitted ear infection?”
Yahweh: “You need to turn me into an impregnating rod.”
Holy Ghost: “Look. I can go back and forth between the earthly realm and whatnot, but you can’t impregnate a woman through an ear.”
Yahweh: “I am the Lord almighty and my business is big enough to impregnate a woman through her grandmother’s ear. So, shut it.”
Holy Ghost: “Alright, alright. Maybe if you get laid, you’ll chill out on the smiting.”
So, the Holy Ghost transformed Yahweh into a holy q tip of celestial sperm. And Yahweh, aggressive overachiever he was, did impregnate the 13 yr old maiden with his holy seed.
Cut- Well, we know where this story is going, but have you ever noticed something a little wrong with this picture?
Think of the Holy Trinity: Junior, Big Daddy and Spook. Yahweh creates the whole damn universe, smites people all over the place in the Old Testament, has this miracle kid. Jesus didn’t live all that long, but hey; he got stuck to a cross. That gets major bonus points. But the holy ghost pretty much doesn’t do shit. He has some BS “mediator” role. That’s like that BS middle management job that involves jacking around on the internet all day. But he gets his name up there on the holy trinity for all eternity? Now, that is one lucky ass lazy ghost. It’s like he got to be vice president without even showing up to campaign.
Anyways, Mary has this kid Jesus. Tells her husband that it’s God’s. Sure, I’d like to see you try that one on Maury Povich. Mary would be this 13 yr old with some broke ass boyfriend Joseph and the Holy Ghost and Yahweh could get into this fight about not wanting to pay child support, which BTW, Yahweh sucked at- the whole child support issue. I know there was no IRS back in 0AD but give me a break. Yahweh was as dead beat as a dad could be. Could have taken the poor kid out to a gladiator game or something- just once, you know.
So, Jesus grows up and Yahweh had big hopes for him. He gave him holy powers and the like. Jesus starts getting a following and Dad looks down from heaven, with his big hopes and all. At first, Jesus seems like he’s got some good ideas. Changes water into wine- there’s a big man on campus, he’s pretty popular with the ladies, but soon enough, Dad starts to notice that this kid, well he’s just a little soft, doesn’t understand the real word.
Yahweh and Holy Ghost are looking down from heaven:
Yahweh: “What the fuck is he doing? He’s getting people to forgive that cheating ho? Hello, does this yid know the Ten Commandments? My laws are clearly that her ass needs a good stoning.”
Holy Ghost: “Dude, you could use a good stoning. Want some weed? You’ll chill out, trust me.”
Yahweh: “No. I don’t want my waist to end up like yours. You know mankind is supposed to exist in our image. You look more like the image of a walrus. I hope chicks don’t start taking after you. Anyways, what’s with this turn the other cheek BS? Is my kid some kind of fag?”
Holy Ghost: “Doubt it. I think his hooker friend is kind of cute, actually.”
Yahweh: “Hooker? He’s dating a hooker? He’s planning to stone her later, right?”
Holy Ghost: “Doesn’t look like it, no. Think he likes her”
Yahweh: “How did my kid end up being such a commie faggot hippie?”
Holy Ghost: “Why you asking me, dude? You’re the omniscient one.”
Yahweh: “Did you jinx my q tip of holy seed?”
Holy Ghost: “Man, I did not touch your holy q tip. And I don’t know who you’re calling fag. You’re the one that did it in a chick’s ear. I don’t know many straight dudes that go for that one.”
Yahweh: “What is he doing down there? Some roman heathen is whipping him and he’s just…he’s just letting him kick his ass? WTF! If he some homo masochist? To think, he went apeshit when the money lenders were ripping people off. Seriously, what kind of a Jew is this nut?”
Yahweh: “Oh come on, now he’s letting them crucify him. This kid just wrecked everything I’ve been working for over the last 4 millennia. All I here is prayers from all these unchosen freaks for forgiveness. Forgiveness? Who do they think I am? Yahweh the almighty Fairy Queen?”
Yahweh: “What’s he screaming now? ‘Why have I forsaken him?’ Why does he think I’m forsaking him? He’s broken just about all the laws it took me 4000 years to smite into humanity. Kids today. He thinks I’m going to let him live so he can live the rest of his days like some hippie lunatic? Forget it.”
Holy Ghost: “Come on. He’s your kid. At least resurrect him.”
The Holy Ghost looked on as the almighty lord peered down to the earth…
Holy Ghost: “What are you- oh- you still staring at that chick’s ear? Come on, it’s been three days. Resurrect the kid before he joins Lou’s minions.”
Yahweh: “Who’s Lou?”
Holy Ghost: “Lou as in Lucifer, you know- the talking snake that wrecked your magical prize apples.”
Yahweh: “Ok. Whatever. Figure I have to let
the kid in or else Ill
And that is the story of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
and yeah, yeah- here's the obligatory illustration.
James Caviezel, the ultra hot Jesus in Gibson's Passion. I fell in love with him in the very under rated and often forgotten film, Count of Monte Cristo.
And Maria Sharapova, the 6'2"(!!!) tennis star because Maria is derived from the name of the mother of Jesus.
Comments